My life should reflect me

I have finally realised that, as this is my life it should reflect me....

Of course this is blatantly obvious to most people but I have spent my life trying to please others in one way or another in order to try to fit in or to feel accepted. There were brief moments where I knew what I wanted and went for it, or I would fight someone else's course. I'm quite good at fighting others battles and joining there course but rarely see myself as someone worth fighting for. I'm good at putting the needs of others before my own but fail to even know what my own wants and needs are. At least I'm now at a stage in my life where I recognise this and am wanting to do something about it, not just wanting but also willing. (I think)

It's been so long since I did anything for myself that I don't really know what I want, my passions seem to have died somewhere along the way. Nothing inspires me anymore, my enthusiasm for life has gone, my get up and go, got up and went. I read a little while ago that this happens when people have suffered deep hurt in their lives. Feelings and emotions get switched off to protect them from further damage. I'm my case its not just the hurt and disappointment that's being avoided, its being judged, analysed, scrutinised by observers ready to condemn, criticise, try to mould me into what they think I should be with no consideration of who I actually am, where I'm coming from or where I'm going. People who compare me to themselves, their neat, safe lives and think I should fit their interpretation of how life should. People who avoid bothering to actually take part in my life but think they have a right to dictate how I live it. These people have no idea who I am but want to change me. 

I had a bad experience a few years ago with a church community. Church was a whole new experience for me, one I will never repeat again. When I first attended I was a happy confident person. Life was good, busy, happy. I felt strong and life had direction. That changed dramatically. After a couple of ears being told I was broken, needed healing, only in Gods strength, but for the grace of God, we are sinners undeserving of Gods mighty grace, Jesus saves and I needed saving.

It didn't take long for all this to make me start feeling like the dirty wretch that was being raped and abuses week after week by a family member as a child. It all came flooding back to me. The nightmares returned, the feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, worthlessness. My health crashed both physically and mentally. I was in counselling and suicidal. Church turned out to be extremely bad for my health and is a place I shall never return to. The existence of a God is something I can no longer believe in. The knowledge that God couldn't give me what I needed made me question his existence and the answer I came up with is that we invented him and the only power he has is that which we allow him in the subconscious of our minds..

What's it all about ?

Just when I start to think I'm making sense of what life's about, something comes along and makes me think I haven't got the faintest clue. Why can't I just be happy accepting life at face value, why do I have to spoil it all by thinking there's something deeper, something more to life. why do i have almost a need to make life count.  I like to think I'm quite a spiritual person. Is that true or is it just wishful thinking, who knows, perhaps one day I shall find out.

Standing back and looking at my life from a distance I have nothing to complain about, its only when I scratch the surface and look a little deeper that I start to feel there should be more, I should be more than I am. What ?  What more should I be, I have limited capability so will never be the person I would like to be. I also have low self esteem, I guess you could say I'm my own worst enemy, I hold myself back far more than anyone else ever could. Am I still looking for my thing in life. Something that will light a passion inside me strong enough to drive me to make me succeed at something worthwhile. I'm doing some soul searching, I'm hoping to rebuild my self esteem enough to take on life and face a few of its challenges. Life nearly beat me a few times, child abuse lead to low self esteem which at times spills over into depression. It's under control at the moment but experience has taught me some of the cracks are fragile and I need to be mindful of anything that hurts or brings me down.
It's not so bad, life could be a whole lot worse. I had some lucky breaks that I was intelligent enough to recognise and grab with both hands and hold on to. So in many ways life is good. Everyone gets a little down sometimes and I'm no exception. The trick is to know how to climb back up, fortunately I have learnt those tricks. I pride myself in recovering from severe depression where I was at the point of suicide not once but three times in my life. Each time I did it almost totally unsupported without the help of family, friends, doctors or medication. I'm not proud of the fact that I sunk so low in the first place but I can sit with the fact that the severe sexual abuse I received as a child played a huge part in why I suffered in the first place and the knowledge that anyone going through what I did would have the same problems. I guess the phrase " it's not that my arms are weak but that my load is heavy" comes to mind. I don't want that to be an excuse though, rather an explanation.

I'm at a point in life where I want to take the next step, do I settle for the comfort of what I have, or am I capable of pushing myself to be more ???