What's it all about ?

Just when I start to think I'm making sense of what life's about, something comes along and makes me think I haven't got the faintest clue. Why can't I just be happy accepting life at face value, why do I have to spoil it all by thinking there's something deeper, something more to life. why do i have almost a need to make life count.  I like to think I'm quite a spiritual person. Is that true or is it just wishful thinking, who knows, perhaps one day I shall find out.

Standing back and looking at my life from a distance I have nothing to complain about, its only when I scratch the surface and look a little deeper that I start to feel there should be more, I should be more than I am. What ?  What more should I be, I have limited capability so will never be the person I would like to be. I also have low self esteem, I guess you could say I'm my own worst enemy, I hold myself back far more than anyone else ever could. Am I still looking for my thing in life. Something that will light a passion inside me strong enough to drive me to make me succeed at something worthwhile. I'm doing some soul searching, I'm hoping to rebuild my self esteem enough to take on life and face a few of its challenges. Life nearly beat me a few times, child abuse lead to low self esteem which at times spills over into depression. It's under control at the moment but experience has taught me some of the cracks are fragile and I need to be mindful of anything that hurts or brings me down.
It's not so bad, life could be a whole lot worse. I had some lucky breaks that I was intelligent enough to recognise and grab with both hands and hold on to. So in many ways life is good. Everyone gets a little down sometimes and I'm no exception. The trick is to know how to climb back up, fortunately I have learnt those tricks. I pride myself in recovering from severe depression where I was at the point of suicide not once but three times in my life. Each time I did it almost totally unsupported without the help of family, friends, doctors or medication. I'm not proud of the fact that I sunk so low in the first place but I can sit with the fact that the severe sexual abuse I received as a child played a huge part in why I suffered in the first place and the knowledge that anyone going through what I did would have the same problems. I guess the phrase " it's not that my arms are weak but that my load is heavy" comes to mind. I don't want that to be an excuse though, rather an explanation.

I'm at a point in life where I want to take the next step, do I settle for the comfort of what I have, or am I capable of pushing myself to be more ???