My life should reflect me

I have finally realised that, as this is my life it should reflect me....

Of course this is blatantly obvious to most people but I have spent my life trying to please others in one way or another in order to try to fit in or to feel accepted. There were brief moments where I knew what I wanted and went for it, or I would fight someone else's course. I'm quite good at fighting others battles and joining there course but rarely see myself as someone worth fighting for. I'm good at putting the needs of others before my own but fail to even know what my own wants and needs are. At least I'm now at a stage in my life where I recognise this and am wanting to do something about it, not just wanting but also willing. (I think)

It's been so long since I did anything for myself that I don't really know what I want, my passions seem to have died somewhere along the way. Nothing inspires me anymore, my enthusiasm for life has gone, my get up and go, got up and went. I read a little while ago that this happens when people have suffered deep hurt in their lives. Feelings and emotions get switched off to protect them from further damage. I'm my case its not just the hurt and disappointment that's being avoided, its being judged, analysed, scrutinised by observers ready to condemn, criticise, try to mould me into what they think I should be with no consideration of who I actually am, where I'm coming from or where I'm going. People who compare me to themselves, their neat, safe lives and think I should fit their interpretation of how life should. People who avoid bothering to actually take part in my life but think they have a right to dictate how I live it. These people have no idea who I am but want to change me. 

I had a bad experience a few years ago with a church community. Church was a whole new experience for me, one I will never repeat again. When I first attended I was a happy confident person. Life was good, busy, happy. I felt strong and life had direction. That changed dramatically. After a couple of ears being told I was broken, needed healing, only in Gods strength, but for the grace of God, we are sinners undeserving of Gods mighty grace, Jesus saves and I needed saving.

It didn't take long for all this to make me start feeling like the dirty wretch that was being raped and abuses week after week by a family member as a child. It all came flooding back to me. The nightmares returned, the feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, worthlessness. My health crashed both physically and mentally. I was in counselling and suicidal. Church turned out to be extremely bad for my health and is a place I shall never return to. The existence of a God is something I can no longer believe in. The knowledge that God couldn't give me what I needed made me question his existence and the answer I came up with is that we invented him and the only power he has is that which we allow him in the subconscious of our minds..